Whenever I complain about being single, my
mother tells me to go to the 92nd St. Y. She
doesn't even live in New York, but knows of the
Y's long-standing reputation for bringing
singles together. Through their lectures,
concerts, classes and services, there are many
ways to meet people at the Y, and in keeping
with their mission to help people to develop
life skills, they also offer a variety of
“structured singles events” like Date Bait™,
Tuesday Night Tête-à-têtes and Speed Dating. To
find out why the Y is so successful at getting
people together, I decided to sample these three
events.
Date Bait™
It’s a Sunday night, and I’m sitting in the
Warburg Lounge, a large room on 92nd St. Y’s
ground floor. An equally divided group of over
50 men and women--artists, financiers, creative
directors, doctors, singers, motivational
speakers and hypnotists--are seated in a wide
semi-circle with pinkish, SAT-type cards
clutched in their hands. All wear numbers on
their shirts. It’s Date Bait™ for Professionals,
run by Raphael Risemberg who started the program
10 years ago to “find a boyfriend.” He still
runs sessions for the gay/lesbian community in
the Village and has been running “straight” Date
Baits™ at the Y for eight-and-a-half years.
The evening is broken into three parts:
introductions, where everyone has a minute to
speak about themselves in front of the group; 30
minutes of “structured mingling”, where people
try to get to know those they were drawn to
during the introductions; and then receiving the
matches. During introductions, each participant
stands up and announces his/her name and number
(“Hi, I’m Sarah 056. . .”) and gives a
one-minute rundown on life history, likes,
dislikes--whatever will appeal to potential
dates in the room. When someone is speaking, if
you think you might like to date that person,
you jot down his/her name and ID number. After
everyone has finished speaking, the structured
mingling begins. People are encouraged to spend
1-2 minutes talking to potential dates and
others as well. One rule is that you can’t walk
away from someone even if he/she isn’t someone
you’re interested in. At the end of the
mingling, you’re instructed to fill in the cards
with the numbers of those you’d like to date.
The cards are run through the Date Bait™
computer to determine the matches. Matches are
determined if two people select each other, and
you only know if someone is interested if
there’s a match. This eliminates the
embarrassing I-like-him-but-he-doesn’t-like-me
scenario of many singles events.
Date Bait is a numbers game. The more people you
select, the more chance you have of people
selecting you and ending up with a date. The
typical match rate is 60%. It’s one of the most
successful of the Y’s singles events, because
there’s a statistically-proven better chance of
meeting someone. And, the guesswork is removed.
The Y hosts 4 Date Baits™
(http://www.92y.org/shop/category.asp?category=888Date+Bait888)
per semester with many different themes: by age,
for professionals or by a specific profession,
and Jewish events.
Another rule is if you get a match, you must go
on at least one date. It could be simple like a
half-hour for coffee, but there must be some
follow-up. Date Bait™ is best for people who are
good minglers and public speakers, confident in
their instincts and first impressions or who are
actively seeking a partner and use Date Bait™ as
part of the mix. Many people have found
relationships, some even marriage, with someone
they’ve met at Date Bait™. One person I spoke
with said he’d found a relationship through Date
Bait™, and since he was successful once, he came
back, hoping to be successful twice.
Tuesday Night Tête-à-têtes
Usually a younger person’s purview, the Y’s
Singles Programs offer something for everyone of
all ages in varying speeds: slow, medium and
fast. (Date Bait™ is fast.) Tuesday Night
Tête-à-têtes are structured as group discussions
for people 40 and up. With topics ranging from
philosophy, spirituality and sociological
issues, the Tête-à-têtes give people a chance to
get to know each other slowly, without the
pressure of having to make a memorable first
impression.
As I arrive, this time to a much smaller room
with a circle of about 40 chairs filled with an
equal amount of men and women, moderator Peter
Steiner hands me a sheet with two lists of
phrases like, “where he/she lives”, “where I
live”, his/her/my religion, occupation, income
bracket, hobbies/pastimes, ethnicity, political
preferences, etc. Tonight’s topic is First
Impressions and Self Identity, and on the sheet
you rank what’s of greatest interest to you when
meeting someone for the first time and the
strongest items in your own sense of identity.
Steiner, a group facilitator and management
consultant, gently and deftly leads the
discussion, drawing people in and keeping it
interesting by throwing out provocative
suggestions (like asking for volunteers to hear
group members’ first impressions of themselves)
or honest and sometimes startling revelations
about himself.
Sparks flew as common interests and values were
discovered. During one of the First Impression
exercises, a man stating his ideas about a
female volunteer said, “You like to travel. I
say that, because I love to travel and I think
traveling is a barometer of a person’s
personality.” When the woman got to reveal
whether people’s impressions of her were
correct, she looked directly at the man and
said, “I love to travel, but I hate to travel
alone.” You could almost hear the rest of the
group go, “O-ooh.”
Tuesday Night Tête-à-têtes are only in the
second season so it’s undetermined how many
romantic relationships have resulted. It’s
offered as a subscription series, so
participants can take the time to get to know
someone more realistically. It is a singles
group, and while group members are actively
looking for partners, it’s also a good activity
for someone who wants to find friends or
participate in stimulating conversation.
Speed Dating
In spite of its name, Speed Dating is the
medium-paced event. I had pictured an Orwellian
environment with couples lined up across from
each other in stiff-backed chairs firing rapid
questions like: What do you do? What do you
want? How old are you? Marriage/no marriage?
Kids/no kids? Next! Boy, was I wrong.
Set in the intimate environment of the Y’s Makor
Center on the West Side, attractive couples sit
in comfy chairs and on couches. There is a high
volume of chatter in the room, laughter and lots
of smiles. People genuinely seem to be enjoying
themselves. Each couple has three minutes to get
to know each other on their “date” before moving
on to the next person. Three minutes may sound
short, but it’s surprisingly long, especially
when talking to strangers. Conversations are
helped along by special “conversation starter”
cards brought by moderator Ilana Eberson,
hostess of Real Live People Party. The
conversations seem surprisingly normal–not the
staccato, militaristic exhanges I’d expected.
Participants in this event also have a piece of
paper. As they go through each date, they write
down the name and number of the people they’d
like to get to know better. At the end of the
evening, they turn in their sheets and are sent
their matches’ e-mail addresses. 50% of
tonight’s group matched up.
The 92nd St. Y has been hosting Singles events
since 1961. Back then they took the form of
dances and teas. Today, the Y’s program has a
wide-reaching reputation with participants from
as far as New Jersey and Westchester. The Y is
re-branding its Singles program and integrating
what they do best by including lectures,
performances and physical fitness. Activities
range from the athletic, like bowling and ice
skating, outings like rafting, cycling and
baseball games, and political forums with
discussions afterwards. There will even be
gay/lesbian events in the near future.
The 92nd St. Y’s Singles program is successful
because events are conducted in a warm,
supportive environment with experienced
moderators. Also, because of the Y’s unified
mission, the programs bring together like-minded
people. Many have found relationships and even
marriage through these events.
And, if they don’t meet someone the first time,
people usually try again. Witness the happy face
of a guy who, leaving Date Bait ™ with his match
on his arm, says, “Oh, I’ll be back”
The calendar is constantly growing. Visit the
92nd Street Y website for more information, or
call 212-415-5500 for updates and details. The
next session of Date Bait™ is Nov. 12 at the Y,
and Speed Dating is 10/18 at Makor.Originally
posted at
http://www.uppereast.com/92ysingles.html |
